In Curious Compassion #15, I discussed the serious need for rest I’ve had throughout the past few months and how I hesitated in doing what I needed to get it. Since writing that installment, and coming face to face with the effects of severe burn-out, I left a job without a fallback plan. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly. It was a decision made slowly – and then all at once, with much agonizing. In recent weeks, as “what’s next” has percolated, I’ve done my best to take hold of the grace that God allows.
When commitment becomes a killer
Just over a year ago my husband and I moved out of a large apartment into a very not large apartment to save money and buy a home. We gave ourselves a timeline of two years to pay off debt and get ourselves to the goal line because surely we could do anything – even live in a 600-square-foot space together (with our dog) – for two years. This goal loudly repeated itself from every corner of my mind whenever I thought of quitting my job without something equal in salary to jump into. So, I did my best to stay. But ultimately the best option for my spirit was to quit – but the decision wasn’t without stress.
Unlike a previous resignation from a job I held for over a dozen years – I’ve hoped to approach this season of unemployment differently; holding more compassion for myself. For me, that meant that instead of judgment for not fulfilling my “duty to see it through” or rebuking myself over a lack of self-discipline, I’m actively choosing to honor my humanity; seeing rest, not as optional but as necessary.
In keeping with this season of rest, this installment of Curious Compassion will be (perhaps blessedly for you too) short. In the end, you’ll find a bulleted list of the things I’ve been thinking about, reading, and dipping my toe into as I recover. Perhaps the list might serve as a guide if you’re experiencing a season of burn-out or you need a gentle reminder that it’s ok to be your own friend; offering yourself the compassion required to get through this pressure-filled life.
God’s Love and my fatal flaw
I have two tattoos, one symbolizes Ephesians 2:10 and the other Matthew 6:33. Each of them points to the same thing: God’s loving kindness toward me regardless of my ability or inability to make all the right moves and be all the things. It’s as if God’s been telling me that I don’t need to make anything happen for Him to love me — all along. After 30+ years of walking with Him, it’s the same record on heavy rotation; quietly playing in the background. My most fatal flaw is not learning the words to this song.
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Matthew 6:33
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:10
As I wait for the big what’s next, I’m trusting that in the meantime, small. sustainable gigs will be enough. Because He’s created them for me to walk in from the beginning.
What I’m Thinking About:
When telling a friend about my fears and the extreme burnout and anxiety I’ve been feeling, a friend recommended Dr. Dalton-Smith’s quiz identifying the type of rest needed to recover from seasons of burnout. After taking the quiz, I felt compelled to put the doctor’s book, Sacred Rest on my TBR list. In case you’re wondering, I scored highest in needing emotional, mental, and creative rest.
The difference between creating healthy boundaries and building walls. Like most people, I have relationships that require certain boundaries. But as far as I can help it, I want to ensure that boundaries don’t become more like walls. I’m practicing this by trying to be more honest about how I feel – but also carrying grace. It’s tricky, to say the least. But I think the work will be worth it.
What I’m Reading:
The concept of the highly sensitive person (HSP) was introduced to me several years ago and I purchased this book by Elaine N. Aron Ph.D., almost immediately. But other books moved higher up on my priority list. I wish I wouldn’t have allowed that to happen, because reading this book feels like sitting down with someone who understands me. It’s helping me not only to put a name to certain things I’ve struggled with and reframe them but also to approach my job search with wisdom.
If you’ve known me for any length of time you know I love Emily P. Freeman’s work. And this new book of hers couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time in my life. She’s been a mentor from afar and a former boss in my real life. I listened to the audio (as one does with Emily’s perfect reading voice) in two sittings. The words and clarity she offers regarding staying, leaving, and walking into the various rooms of our lives, have lingered all month.
What I’m Doing:
“Just for fun”
In response to my need for creative rest, I’m trying to hone my skill of doing things “just for fun.” In recent years, doing things for the fun of them as opposed to for productivity or what lesson it might offer hasn’t either hasn’t been prioritized or I’ve allowed others’ ideas of fun to usurp my own. So, in recent days I’ve tried to do what sounds fun or relaxing to me. This has included everything from signing up for a yoga class to applying to be a Christian dating coach with a boutique dating consultation firm. The latter came with the benefit of payment, but it’s completely freelance and not a job I would have ever applied if I hadn’t been thinking of “just for fun.”
Less time in the kitchen
Mostly I enjoy cooking. And it’s always been a high value of mine to eat something delicious in the evening. Which, for me, has meant making things as healthy and as “homemade” as possible. That doesn’t mean I’m making my own pasta over here – it just means I haven’t been keen on sticking a frozen meal in the microwave. But in the recent season of overwhelm, meal planning and grocery shopping (even if through a delivery service) have just felt like too much. So, I’ve recently started approaching meals with less seriousness. With my husband’s assistance sometimes this has resulted in a delicious meal thrown together at the last minute, or a dish that should probably never be repeated – either way, it’s been a less pressured approach to kitchen life.
What’s your fatal flaw when it comes to belief in God’s provision? What aspect of His character is most difficult for you to truly believe?
To have compassion or to not have compassion?
That’s the essential question before the Supreme Court as they hear the case regarding the criminalization of homelessness in Oregon. The ruling, slated for this summer, will likely have a sweeping impact on unhoused individuals countrywide.
Source: ABC News
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'What’s your fatal flaw when it comes to belief in God’s provision? What aspect of His character is most difficult for you to truly believe?' That I am not loveable...the ghost of a childhood exposed to years of intentional emotional neglect, psychological abuse and downright malice at the hands of my 'primary caregivers'. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability Brandy...see my posts 'The Limp 1 and 'The Limp 2' for how such abuse affected me and how by God's grace I am learning to overcome these ghosts.
Michael thank you so much for your comment and your vulnerability. I wish it wasn't so hard for us to believe these things of God. Two nights ago I had a dream, where I believe He was imparting the message -- keep your eyes on me. I've got you...I hope me telling you that can be an encouragement to us both!...I'm eager to read your posts.