For nearly 20 years I worked as a behavior therapist for children and young adults with ASD. Over the course of those years, I had the opportunity to do everything from teaching children how to brush their teeth, to teaching teenagers how to ask their crush out on a date. One thing I learned as a consultant – interacting with parents, teachers, and school districts was just how many opinions there are when it comes to the use of positive reinforcement. If people said things like, “Well Timmy should sit in his seat instead of wandering around the classroom because he’s supposed to,” it would tell me a lot about their expectations and a lot about their understanding of human behavior. I knew right away that I might be fighting an uphill battle when it came to seeing significant behavior change in the student. While a bribe is a real thing, it wasn’t what I was talking about. A bribe would have been offering something desirable while someone was in the act of doing something undesirable. Positive reinforcement, on the other hand, meant rewarding the behaviors we were hoping to see.
But even after I offered this distinction, inevitably someone would say, that the child should do “x” just because it’s right. To which I would say, “You’re right! And we should all show up to our jobs because it’s the right thing to do too, but we wouldn’t without a paycheck.”
These days what I understand about positive reinforcement is how quickly it can have an impact — but how woefully lacking it is when it comes to deep, internal change.
Shelving the Shoulds
If we all did what we should, we’d eat healthy foods, exercise, be kind to our neighbors, love and respect our spouses, be amazing parents, and care well for our aging parents and grandparents. But we don’t. At least not with the level of consistency that we should. And from a Christian perspective, I’d argue that we can’t.
We may be able to do one or two of those things with regularity and even excellence, but never all of them. You won’t find a single person who’s killing it in all of these areas. Some of that points to simple practicality. There are only so many hours in the day. But this lack of perfection is also innately human and generationally sinful.
My brain began revving on this particular topic after watching a video on LinkedIn of a man who decided to leave snacks and cold water bottles on his porch for delivery drivers. After watching many of them throw his packages around haphazardly instead of setting them down gently, the man was frustrated — and rightly so.
I once watched a delivery driver huck my package over the fence in my front yard and I called customer service to report the incident. It never occurred to me to do what the man in this video decided to do: offer cold water and snacks to his delivery drivers in an effort to say, I see how hard you work. And also, might you take better care of my stuff?
In the video, you can see that the delivery drivers begin to take more careful consideration of this good samaritan’s packages. Each one of them stopped short, surprised by the offering. Then gently placed packages down before taking a cold water bottle for the road.
But here’s where the “shoulds” begin. Instead of everyone praising this man’s compassion, the comment section lit up with its fair share of reprimands. People asked why we would “reward” this kind of behavior. Declarations like, “These folks make enough money!” And questions like, “Why would we reward such ungrateful people?” popped up frequently.
They’re not wrong. We assume that our drivers will take the same care they’d expect someone to take with their packages. And presumably, it’s part of their training to deliver parcels in one piece, not broken or shattered. But, “shoulds” only get us so far as humans. We get tired. We get annoyed. We got hot. We get hungry. We get sinful. And we forget about our “shoulds.”
I’m not making excuses for negligence or flat-out bad behavior, but I am pointing out that we come by all of our maladjustments honestly, and “shoulding” is rarely the most useful method of behavior change.
Behavior Modification – the Jesus Way
In talking about why people do what they do, in Instruments in The Redeemer’s Hands, Paul David Tripp says:
If my heart is the source of my sin problem, then lasting change must always travel through the pathway of my heart. It is not enough to alter my behavior or to change my circumstances. Christ transforms people radically by changing their hearts.
And how do we see Jesus change hearts in the bible? First, he saw them — truly. Then, he ministered to their hearts. It never involved a pointed finger, but an open hand. A hand that offered healing, grace, and mercy.
In the midst of what we all know we should do — we don’t. For all kinds of reasons. And instead of seeing it as an opportunity to get justice or retribution, the man in the viral video offered compassion. Without knowing anything about specific circumstances; whether a driver found out he was being laid off that day, or perhaps had a fight with his significant other, he offered kindness beyond reason. This is mercy. It’s the most effective form of “behavior modification” because it heals us from the inside out. And it’s something each of us benefits from every day, whether we’re aware of it or not. Christ died in our place, and therefore we no longer have to pay the penalty for our sins. It’s a gift we don’t deserve, and yet it’s presented to us like ice-cold water on a hot day.
I don’t know what happened to the delivery driver I reported. Maybe nothing. Or maybe they were given a warning. My hope is that they didn’t lose their job. And if I could go back in time, I would have followed the lead of the generous man in the video instead of making a customer complaint call. Or, maybe I would have done both. Honestly, the jury is still out on that for me. I believe in consequences for our actions, but I also – more and more – believe in the transformative power of compassion and being “in it” with other humans. This man was with those delivery drivers. He identified that maybe they were thirsty. Maybe they were hungry. And maybe he could meet a basic need – even when they weren’t at their best.
My prayer for you and me is that we be people who see a need and aren’t so blinded by our own frustrations that we can’t meet those needs.
I want to be a bringer of water and snacks.
We’re all created differently and given unique gifts, made to help in different ways. In what ways has God created you to help?
The video that inspired this essay…Homeowner uses kindness to overcome delivery situation
I hope you enjoyed this month’s installment of Curious Compassion.
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Really loved and appreciated this insight. Now to figure out some positive reinforcement to get me to exercise more consistently! Would love to partake in but the zoom session and Instagram group!
Thank you for challenging me to think about my everyday interactions and frustrations with people and how they really do matter. Like you, I want to be a bringer of water and snacks, with God's needed help, to others in the midst of their thirst and hunger. I need it from others, I need it from God, and I want to give it to others. What crazy joy can be found in allowing God's compassion to overflow from our hearts to others! It can appear nonsensical with the lens of the world. Thank you for readjusting my cloudy lens.